Who I am

I am a doctor. I specialize in infectious diseases. And healthcare epidemiology. Specifically interested in outbreaks. Infection prevention. When COVID19 came up, little did we, I, know how devastating it was going to be. On individual countries, people, old and young alike, on humanity. Little did we know that thousands and thousands of people would die.

For the past few weeks, months, we have worked tirelessly to prepare our hospital. To protect our patients, our healthcare workers and our families. We have seen horrific scenes across the globe. Terrible conditions befalling our medical brethren. To see that and to think we are immune is foolish. To think that could never happen to us is sheer delusion. Yet, a part of us wants to believe that it won’t happen. To have hope that things won’t be as bad as we have seen. It is that hope that keeps us going. Knowing how terrible it can be but hoping, just hoping it won’t.

As of now, we have 20 patients in our hospital with covid. Half are in the icu. I suspect many other hospitals are in the same boat, some with more. Every day, the number of cases in the community goes up by 100. At this rate, we’re prob okay—but will be getting closer to our max in the next 5-6 weeks.

My friends ask me how I am. Whether there is any good news on the horizon. I tell them that I think I am okay. Some days are harder than others. Some days my heart weighs heavy. And other days it’s as though things are “normal”. The kids need attention. Dinner. Laundry. Meals. All the humdrum of daily life. But I am not the same on the inside. Yes I laugh, but I cry as well. And although I have never gone to war, I have the slightest glimpse into what we are asking of our service men and women when they come back home. Of the difficult task we have placed upon them of reintegrating into life, into their families, into society. Their past follows them and to separate it from the present and from the future almost requires them to emotionally distance themselves from anything they felt.

Just my perspective. Knowing we are the ones responsible for keeping the other safe is Herculean. The main difference being that doctors went into medicine to save people, not to kill them.